Holding

November 3

My body has been giving me a pretty hard time this week. It hurts. It makes the things that are best for it hardest – it makes the things that are worst easiest. It over reacts.

So I didn’t go to Sweet Teacher’s class on Monday. As a result, I knew what I was in for – Long pose holds – and I dreaded it all week. While I have been finding my way to the mat every day, not with any strength or depth…

I almost didn’t go. I labored. I thought it over and over and I became anxious.

I thought about what a five minute downward dog would mean – where it would hurt. In my wrists, in my shoulders. Would I cave in, would I ache or fall…

I set at the beginning of the class my intention of curiosity – learning – listening.

After the first 30 seconds, in which I was tense and worried… she said something -- I don’t even remember what she said. What she always says, I suppose – let go of the cleverness of your mind… separate the work of the body and the work of the mind.

The pose was easy. The five minutes – I felt at rest. I found that the strength was there – and that there was, in fact, nothing that I needed to do at all.

I fight work so much. I get so afraid – of pain of failure of weakness – I clench my fists and pound them on the walls of my intention all the time.

This is not work, she said. This is your privilege.

I couldn’t hold the warrior sequence. The damages and the months of healing have not found them back to strength or ease. I noticed weakness in my ankles, my knees – sore from existing out of place.

If I notice weakness I can work on strength -- learn what I need to hold.

If I notice strength I can relax entirely into trust of what will hold me.

It is so hard to listen to what is, rather than what we want to be or what we fear.

Or, it is a practice, I suppose.

I have a young, sweet, favorite friend who is going through a very difficult decision now – I dedicate this day to her.