Friday, June 1, 2012

Brilliant Teacher

Hard teacher needs a new name -- I think it might be Brilliant Teacher. I am learning so much from her about life and practice and myself.  I miss sweet teacher -- but feel like this new space has opened...

The work Brilliant Teacher asks us to do is really hard -- it hurts and it pushes me and it requires me to understand the ways that I need to shift what I thought I had been doing well. This work requires me to shift what I thought I knew. They talk in yoga about the beginners mind... about the importance of always learning and listening and opening. There is no achievement -- of course -- there is only exploration, curiosity, understanding. Where you are strongest is where you have to grow the most. Where you are weakest teaches you about building...

And Brilliant teacher talks all the time about discipline and commitment. Her teachings support me every day...

but I realized yesterday her teachings have also completely blockaded my practice.
I work so hard for her -- push myself so hard -- that I don't want to do my own practice. I used to wake up and look forward to the mat -- but now it just feels like another struggle -- at the beginning of a day of so much struggle.

It's important to work. Discipline. Structure.
But I have to put her out of my mind, now. Sometimes the work is not in the difficulty. Sometimes life is the difficulty enough.

This week I will set an intention to enjoy my mat -- to let my body and my heart and my energy guide my practice. There is a poem by Ann Sexton I think about often when life feels exhaustive... she says, "I'm tired of being brave."
I will let my body and my heart and my energy be my guide and I will save my hard work for her supportive time.

And I will try too to ask only that of the people I love.

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