Monday, November 7, 2011

Familiar Haunts

November 7

Saturday was a hard day, physically. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and was feeling bummed out about that, too.

I went to class and I noticed something strange – something that I don’t really notice when I am doing my home practice – which I suppose is because at home I am targeting specific things and points on the body…

I noticed I could feel everywhere I had ever injured – and so for parts of the practice I felt like I was reminiscing all the pains of my life…

I hurt my shoulder kayaking in the ocean about a decade ago.
It was a clear day, but the wind seemed to pick up out of nowhere. We were completely harbored, but it was a sudden fight with nature, and I remember thinking again about the power of the sea. For a while I couldn’t lift groceries. It took years to heal.

I had surgery in January – and both the inside and outside of that throbbed – in that low quiet way – the caverns and the incisions… I don’t think about the pain of the decision to have that surgery anymore. The complication of the cutting open…

I fractured my foot in high school. I sprained my big toe. My hip has been killing me. All these ghosts of missteps visiting their old, familiar haunts…

I said to my friend how strange it was. I thought these things were healed. I thought they were gone forever. She said, but it makes sense, doesn’t it…

I remember my father explaining to me about grief that way. The way that we can feel a current pain and it can echo through our psyches to all that came before of loss.

Luckily, love is like that too.

I did a crazy thing in my life and fell back in love with my first love a few years ago – in a way, all the pieces then connect… child to grown up and it the continuity of who we are is really rather astounding.

There is a story a class lesson on bullying circulating facebook this week – 

a piece of paper is crumpled – then smoothed. Of course it can never be made new again.

We gain character through the creases. Personality, wisdom.

But healed is not the same as in tact, she said.

1 comment:

Lisa Merrai Labon said...

scars are often stronger than fresh/new/unbroken tissue...even if they are not as elegant or carefree...they protect us in their own way.

and i've found in my practice that confronting scars, caressing and yielding through the discomfort, pushing into release, changes even the eldest of scars...in some way they are a tonic, a gift from the body, if we are wise enough to enter the space where they were created and honor the lessons...