Sunday, November 13, 2011

Rest and Motion

November 13, 2011

For most of my life waking up was easy. For years and years I would wake up quickly, two minutes before my alarm went off, my head clear. Even on the days I didn’t want to get up, I was awake.

This helped because a lot of what I do is done in the morning. I get up early, so that I can start the day while the world is quiet. This has always been a really important and restorative time for me – 4:30 or 5 in the morning… This is when I write. This is when I practice. This is when I center myself.

But with whatever is going on in my body, something has changed.
It is very hard for me to wake up.
The alarm pulls me from somewhere beneath the ocean.
I touch the snooze button and an hour goes by.
My head is foggy; my body achy. I struggle to come to consciousness.

So I have for the last week been trying to figure out how to put these two things together: Getting up and not wanting to.

Suddenly this morning I realized I have to do it differently.
It was 6 and I felt the same as I had felt at 5 but my intention was to wake up…

I have to wake up slowly. I could hear all the teachers in my head… begin to bring the awareness into your body… your fingers and your toes…  I was wondering what the buzzing was – until I realized it was a mosquito. I heard the cars. I could feel my joints and the places where I was separate from the sheets. I could see the traces of light at the window. The outline of the dog. Come back to what you know.

I used to feel that intention was about making something happen. I learned the one day at a time approach to a lot of things… but you know, today I think that I often gave what ever it was I was trying to conquer more control than it already had. I think about the idea of “muscling through a pose.” I WILL WAKE UP TODAY. Maybe it’s painful. Maybe it’s failure. Maybe it’s the same struggle tomorrow morning until finally I don’t want to do it anymore.

Today as I was lying there, thinking that it was my intention to get out of bed, it occurred to me that if I wanted to make that happen I had to do it in a way that made sense today. Intent – meaning or purpose.

It’s very strange to wake up differently than ever before. And I feel that way all over my life these days. I remember feeling that way with the kids – every time you get used to a phase they change… but it’s hard to remember that I, too, am still in motion – aging and moving towards all the time some other place. Of course, they gain motion, where I suppose I become more limited… I miss being bendy like my daughter. I miss waking up easily…

Of course, there are the ways that I am gaining motion too…

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