Disapointment.

January 15

For the past two weeks I’ve been quietly assessing what personal practice means to me…

I thought, at the beginning of this project, that this endeavor might have a profound effect on my life – it has. A week ago I went to another workshop on personal practice. This time, it was less warm and fuzzy – more practical. More practiced.

Devotion. Discipline.

These were the things she said that hit me most.

What do you really want your life to include.

Somehow at that moment something shifted for me.

For the past week I have been really strong at home. I have been writing practices ahead of time. I have missed one day and shortened another from going out at night – a few glasses of wine later I found myself needing sleep I couldn’t get up… that leads me to ask this question again – what do I want in my life… to what am I devoted, what does discipline mean. I know that I need to be social. I know that I need to relax with friends. So what does this mean – what do I need to miss or make up… Life feels crowded on those days. How do we find the time for the things that are most important?

Mostly this week I have been in a really good space, despite it being an externally difficult week..

But this morning I woke up uncomfortable. Edgy, sad. Creaky too. I decided to work on my hips. I decided to try to hold warrior. I overshot. I couldn’t do what I’d hoped – and I was annoyed at my own resistance.

My daughter woke up and came in. interrupting as I was closing the practice. I didn’t feel radiant. I still feel edgy. I still feel sad.

It’s disappointing. I’m disappointed. In myself. In the practice, I suppose. Where is that feeling of peace I left practice with so many times this week? Why didn't I look up, smile, ask her if she wanted to join me?

I’ve taken to reading Rumi as part of the morning – this morning a poem said, people cannot withstand the understanding of the darkness within people… something like that.

Sweet teacher is back – which is such a relief. She talked this week about the practice being practice for life…

How do I accept disappointment? What do I do with that moment? How do I ride out the sad, with the peace to accept the day?

Well, blueberry pancakes are a start. I burned them a little though...