A few months ago I told a
teacher, who was talking to me and a friend about breath and yoga, that
breath-work – pranayama – made me
panicky. I get anxious in the state of trying to control my own intake – the
feeling would well, suddenly, that I would not be able to breathe, that there
is not enough air. This is a little ironic, I suppose, as the purpose is to
learn how much expansiveness there is – in our breath, in our breathing, in our
bodies…
Over the last week I have been
focusing on that fear – the exercise is one of expanding breath – to longer and
longer inhales and exhales. To pause at the top and bottom of each breath.
It is not when my lungs are
filled with air that I am afraid – but when they are empty. At moments, I have
emptied all of the air and am still… I feel as if the world is closing in. I
feel as if I am suffocating. And I am working on the few moments when I begin
to inhale again not to be greedy with the air – to maintain composure and
discipline even with the fear not yet subsided – even with belief not yet
restored.
Sweet teacher said today, can
you make a practice of surrender? Can you make a practice of giving up.
Giving up, she said.
Is it the giving up with the
understanding that I will breathe again? That being without is the basis of
being with?
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