My Least Favorite Pose

Today in class Sweet Teacher asked us what our least favorite pose was. I answered incorrectly. I said frog, but I think my least favorite pose is warrior… sigh. Sometimes shoulder stand. Not headstand anymore…

It was interesting to think about it – I realized how it changes – from day to day, the thing that is hardest is different… the day the mood the moon...

She said, again, let go of that thing you’ve been holding onto which is no longer serving you. I have one particular huge thing to let go of… it seems she always says that at a critical point in that process.

I think I understand something today. About the transitory nature of struggle. And the transitory nature of letting go. This is what is hard for me today. This is what I need to let go of today…

Something as simple as locust.

Something as difficult as love...

Tomorrow it may be entirely different.

Walking Shivasana

So - -I get these really goofy updates from Yoga Journal. They are trite, and new-agey – and sometimes nice little reminders in the morning – like the note on my phone to remind me to call the dentist for my daughter this morning…

Anyway – this morning it talked about yoga as a practice for life. This is not a new concept – but I think I like it a lot because of the play on the word practice. It talked, too, about listening – not making wrong choices – like doing a resting practice when you are feeling lethargic – or not doing a rigorous practice when you are tired or weak… So this morning I set as my intention to do the type of practice right for me today… I set as my intention to listen.

In my life, I feel that things are very unpredictable. I keep wandering into situations which then change unpredictably – rules and contracts change without my say – they disrupt. And I’ve been upset by this all weekend. These are big things -- hard things -- heartbreaking things, and issues of safety.

So I did a more rigorous vinyasa than usual. Power. Movement. Then I worked on handstand (I can kick up!). Then my headstand practice.

As I moved up into headstand, I felt strong. I wavered moving up, but also felt the strength that allowed the posture despite fluctuation. Sweet Teacher always says that it’s after the third minute that a change – heat and release – happens in the posture. Today was going to be the day…

Then the dog started barking at me. She started circling me. I had to tell her no three times. But I felt my neck had moved slightly – so I came down. She lay down, but not serenely. I did a counter pose – then a hip opener. She started getting more and more agitated. I had to do the second side of the hip opener, but could only keep her  calm by scratching her nose as I stretched…

And then the practice was over. 

I decided I would try to do a walking Shivasana…

because, of course, this is where my practice and my life is right now.

You can listen or not – but it’s easier just to notice that the strength is there – to lift up and to come down despite the fluctuations…

Of Hyacinth and Hope

The weather is unseasonable.
It keeps going... but I keep waiting for winter...

The flowers are out. The breeze has that soft, sweet lift… it’s warm…

This morning, Sweet teacher had us hang our head back – and where our hands usually push our pose further, today, she had us take hold of our necks

and massage them.

Let go of all the tension. Relax your shoulders. Feel all the stoicism you needed to steel yourself with to make it through the winter…

and let go.

Is it really that time?

Is it really time for boughs and limbs to lift, to light?

For hyacinth?

For growth?

So Much To Be Afraid Of

Yesterday in the Oms that opened class, Sweet Teacher said, Let the sound of Om remind us that in this world where there is so much to be afraid of, let our own voices never be one of them.

I was next to a brand new yogi – she was new to it all and had stumbled in to this hard class – with chanting and partners and headstands… like flying monkeys and wicked witches… 

She was amazing and I loved being next to her.

And I thought about being afraid of my own voice. How much has changed with this practice.

I’m learning…

the thing about chanting is… I think it feels good. The warmth of the vibration and the way it fills you. I thought about the monks – wandering around in those dank halls – they must have gotten cold when they quieted down – must have missed the music.

I love the way that breath and vibration – love too works this way – can fill and make cavernous that which seems shallow or flat at other times.

She also said, as she often does, focus on the rest moments. Is this where the difficulty is for you…

I realized that that is not where I am right now. I have worked so hard for the last six months to learn about the space inside and the quiet – suddenly I realized that for me the difficulty right now is in the engagement.

I know that the healing has been taking place. I know that I have found a good deal more peace than I had when I began – but then I suppose the next part is… well, not being afraid to come back out.

Sweet Breakfast

I was away for a conference in Chicago for just under a week. I had a room that overlooked Grant Park, the city, Lake Michigan. On the first day I had some free time and thought I would do some Chicago things that I love to do... Instead, I barely got out of bed. It was King sized -- with the curtains wide open -- creatureless and tucked in... I think I slept for about 17 hours that first day. I needed that.

This morning I retrieved the dog. She alternated between running in circles and burring her head in me. Now she is sleeping, exhausted from her own vacation, sprawled and at ease.

It was like that with the kids, too. One of those huge hugs which comes with an enormous sigh...
Thank Goodness you are back. I need you.

Vacations are good. Coming home is good. Nourishment. Nurture. I needed that.

I also took a vacation from yoga. My body has been tired. My heart, at times, has felt too open for the pressures right now. The Wise One told me to trust the desire not to tune in for a minute... that it is ok to watch bad TV over Shivasana at times...



Every year that I attend this conference there is some little bit of magic. This year it was breakfast with a stranger -- a fiction writer whose work I had never read -- though I am now working on a recent novel and am absolutely enamored... as I was on Saturday.

I talked to him about my problems with writing. With my loss of faith -- or estrangement as lovers might forget each other... he protested such flowery embellishment. He told me to sit myself down and write. If you have fallen out of love, he said, that is ok. But if you haven't, then you know what you need to do. Thank Goodness you are back. I need you.



And on the first Sun Salutation of the day, the same coming home...
Good morning, Sweet Breath. Sweet Writing, Sweet Creatures.
Thank Goodness you are here -- to hold me. I missed you.