Shards

October 13

Last night I fell asleep thinking about the difference between doing something with and without intention.

What does it mean, to me, if I force myself through a sun salutation because I promised… what does it mean if in that process I don’t salute the sun… what does it mean if I do things because I have to, without my heart.

Of course, we have to do that all the time. For lots of reasons.

But isn’t what I’ve promised myself here a few minutes a day of heart.

I couldn’t clear my way to the mat yesterday – and didn’t want to go to it half assed… Though, I suppose, that is part of the point. You go, and then you find your way in…

For the past few days I have been struggling. Not with commitment or belief – but implementation.

It is so easy to let important things disappear forever.

Sunday I went to class – and it felt good to lean on that support – and it felt good to get that good a work out…

But Monday and Tuesday there was life. Monday the kids were home from school – and Tuesday I went to the gym, where I haven’t been in a week or so…

And it’s not just the yoga, it’s the writing.

I am a writer. I have not written for two years. I have fallen away from my heart and my pen and I have not been able to find my way back…

Clearing the space… creating the space… allowing the space…

There are so many layers of resistance – there is the habit layer – there is the other things layer – there is the difficulty layer…

But there is, beyond all that, the fear of failure.

I find this so strong right now – in practice – in art in love…

To say, broken heart. It means nothing. It is cliché and intangible.

The self is afraid of itself. It is healing, with parts in slings and parts in shards.