Protection, Support, Leaning

October 5

Today I am thinking about the relationship between protection, support and leaning.

Rushing in without protection is reckless. Someone told me I was that way once – when I was just out of my marriage. And I suppose they were right. I think it’s easy to be reckless when you have been cooped up too long – haven’t flung yourself at a wall or a feeling or a destination – for as long as you can remember.

It doesn’t work, of course. You are off balance – the dog is trying to lick your face so that getting your feet over your head is, seriously, impossible.

Protection. A crate for the dog. A shirt that is not going to come down over your face causing you to look like some moron on TV who just got immobilized by a simple swipe of the hand…

Support. It is amazing to me all the muscles that go into one fluid movement of upside down. The need for each piece of each arm to be aligned. I’m working on the endurance of staying upside down longer – but the getting up is so different from day to day. Yesterday, my first head stand was effortless. Without thought. Today I could feel disquiet everywhere. I stayed up longer when I managed the pose – but I felt the breeze of my body – reconnecting to the mat and faring through the shifts of balance.

And then there’s leaning. I am a leaner.

I heard an interview with the biographer of John Lennon yesterday on NPR – he was talking about how Lennon had been forced to choose between his parents at a very young age – how horrible that had been for him. How as a result he always had partners – created strong bonds to not be alone.

I think I’m like that. And it’s survival, of course – along with healthy connection. But I think it can be debilitating too –

The wall makes me believe I would fall on my head without it there. The wall, of course, can not make me believe anything. I believe that the wall gives me support even when I don’t touch it – so that without it – with it – I don’t trust myself.

I don't trust myself.