Saturday, December 31, 2011

I laughed, I cried... Happy New Year.

December 31

I have the desire just now – as I often do – to go to the Oxford English Dictionary and search the roots and the variations of the words surrounding singularity. single. single mother. alone. lone. lonely. one.
I was taught that any manifestation of the feeling of loneliness is, in fact, simply a result of the human condition. I think that I am working in my life to combat that belief. I think I didn’t learn, conversely about the state of being together…

This morning, this was what I was thinking about. About being alone. About trying to do the things in my life without the support of a partner. How, I am trying to learn, feeling loved and wanting to be loved and supported by a partner in life are not mutually exclusive – and are not wrong. How difficult it is to be both bonded and boundaried with children. How hard the holidays can be. How hard it can be to sleep alone.

So I went to yoga.

I have said here before – I lived alone a lot. I grew up an only child with a single parent in the middle of acres and acres of woods and substance. So I need alone time. I feel very claustrophobic in crowds. I need independence and space. Lately, though, I feel like I have had enough.

Yoga, today, was crazy. You couldn’t wait for class without bumping into someone. Sweet teacher always says, don’t say sorry – say good morning. But she is vacationing on the beach or three weeks. There were so many people. Mats were two inches apart. I had to laugh – be careful what you wish for… the teacher is one I have practiced with for many years, though not closely… she said, in a few minutes, you will be utterly alone. We practice alone, together.

And so we did.

Today, for the first time in yoga – or the first time in a long time, as I can’t imagine I really haven’t felt this way before – I was brought to tears. I could not balance. Not for a second. There was no tree inside me at all… I had to sit on the floor, instead.

It’s a funny thing about New Years, right, sometimes it seems entirely fabricated – time is a constant flow… there is no space for break… sometimes it seems organic and natural – of course I am off kilter – so many things to look back on – so many things to look forward to…

Mostly it feels irrelevant. I cannot balance at this moment. I cannot be anywhere but here.
And tomorrow…
well, it will be a New Year.

1 comment:

CM said...

You are exquisite. In tears and out of them. Love to you.